There's this girl I've known for, what, 6 months now. For the purposes of this blog I'm calling her Jade (it's ironic, she's anything but Jaded, or like that ugly racist bigtits girl from Big Brother. Also it's not ironic in that it's a precious stone and she's totally precious to me. Clever huh?) but her real name is Ruth. She's Jewish. That's not relevant to anything, why would you think it was, are you anti-semitic? Scumbag (Oh, if you're reading this then you're probably her - hopefully her and not my wife, cause, awkwaaaaard - so you're probably not anti-semitic when I think about it).
Anyway, I've always loved her, ever since I was 5, though I didn't know it was love then, I thought it was infatuation. Problem is, although she has a sense of humour, she also has taste in men so that's me fucked (figuratively). The other problem is I have a wife. Her name is Cruella deVille (that's not her name really, it's irony. Irony in that it's what she's really like though she thinks she isn't. Her real name is 'that fucking bitch who should be in the kitchen' ... no sorry, that's just what I call her sometimes. Her real name is Angelina Jolie). Anyway, we haven't consummated our love for one another, that is, in common parlance, 'done the nasty' in, well ... we've never actually done it now you come to mention it. She's quite a fit bird though and I do love her. We got close once but after muttering something about 'what on earth was I gonna do with 'that' tiny thing, just before I could put it into her cheddar gorge she had an epileptic fit, and that was that. Apparently the doctor says that sex will bring on her epilepsy without fail so we shouldn't even attempt to do it. I hope she doesn't read this blog, 'cause that would be awkward. Or maybe she'll just be bloody relieved, I dunno.
Anyway, back to Jade before you get bored (as if you'd get bored, my writing is on a par with Sophie Kinsella, probably)
She's fucking fit and I really want to bang her. <3 <3 <3 <3
I totally want to gamahuche her too. I imagine she'd taste of margarine and peanut butter. I don't know, I don't have any experience with lady-parts. Anyway, Jade or Ruth or whatever your name is, please let me perform cunnilingus on you, it would totally make my christmas (I don't really want to do that, I'm just saying so because it's what guys are supposed to say) - sorry Hannkkah, I'm not a racist.
That'll do for now, I think. I'm off for an epic wank.
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